It's been a LONG time since I blogged but that's fine - I'm feeling the need to though today and, as usual, I will attempt for there to be an underlying point but as you're probably already aware, I may go off on a tangent a fair bit!
Have to confess at the moment to feeling a little bit lost - I can sense my depression bubbling under the surface a little but that's nothing I've not learnt to manage over the last few years...As to why I feel this way.....
I think it's a combination of things - This time of year in general combined with depression often makes me feel 'moody' and give in to the urge to hibernate. I now know how important it is to my wellbeing, both mental and physical, to give in to these urges to hibernate and go to bed at 8 and withdraw a little and put myself first. If I do this and 'ride the waves' then I, more often than not, come out the other side pretty much unharmed.
The other factor I've had a bit of a revelation about would be my love life!!!! (Calm down - There will not be juicy details or anything too exciting!!!) I 'got my fingers burnt' a couple of times in the last year and feel like I 'let my guard down' and, as a result, I'll admit I'm feeling a bit defensive where my heart is concerned. I'm totally off relationships but, by the same token, I am simply waiting.
You see the ONE constant in my life is God. HE knows exactly what I need, when I need it and what I should be doing. HE guides my path, HE controls my words. I pray every day for a Godly, Funny, Gorgeous man who can be my partner in life. Someone who can love the same things as me and share in my life. I fully appreciate God is waiting for the right time to bring this man in to my life and he will arrive and share my heart when he dictates it is the time - Until then I will continue to bumble around, perhaps not making the best decisions but having fun and I can but try....
I'm feel pretty misunderstood at the moment for no particular reason - And, bizarrely, by people who would probably last describe themselves as being judgmental.
I think I'm pretty simple really (isn't every woman?!) Practically my life is stressful and I do FAR too much and am fully aware of this. I work full-time - I parent full time, I run a house full time. I'm involved in my Church, I love my family and don't see them as much as I'd like to, I get involved in school 'stuff' from time to time. I host meetings at my house to do with one thing or another.
Practicals aside. When I have my precious 'free' time I LOVE to spend it with friends, I LOVE to go out and have a drink and dance my socks off. The combination of this and everything I've said above some people find confusing.
I don't.
I am a fully committed Christian. I KNOW God and have a relationship with him and he is guiding and is in FULL control of my life. In the last 6 months I've learnt this more than ever through various prophetic messages I've had for people which I've shared - This is a new, sometimes a little unnerving, but very exciting development!
The fact I go out and have a good time and have many many many amazing, funny and gorgeous 'non-Christian' friends who I LOVE a great deal means that I am in an extremely exciting position! If anybody EVER asks me if I believe in God, the answer is YES. That answer will be the same whether I'm at work, in the playground, sat on my sofa or perhaps slightly tipsy in the smoking area of a nightclub!
Now that's off my chest - The other thing going on shortly is........the dreaded parents evening!
I lose sleep over parents evening and get really anxious - Which is bizarre because, by and large, I'm a pretty laid back parent. I think it comes down to the fact that, as a child, I was naughty and a bit horrid really. When my parents went to parents evening I knew they'd find out all the horrendous things I'd been up to at school, stealing and being generally disruptive amongst other things. So when my parents got home I'd be for the high jump without fail. A whole world of trouble.
This is Lucy's 3rd year at school so that will make this my 6th parents evening. My very first parents evening in her reception year was 'bad' and I took that really badly. Because I parent on my own I feel the buck stops with me where she is concerned. I feel totally responsible for her behavior and that, in turn, her behavior reflects on my parenting. I know that children will be children and there are certain steps and phases they go through regardless of what we do. I guess I just don't want her to end up like me? All I can really really do at the end of the day though is my best. I want her to feel confident and, above all, know she is loved, by God and by me, unconditionally. So, like every aspect of my life, I guess I just need to continue to ride the waves and do my best right?
So - That's pretty much it for now :)
The lord is fighting for you! So be still! Exodus 14:14
xx
